"Sit for an hour and we will be back to get you." -"can they come?" -"no"
Hmmm what do I do in a room for an hour, by myself, left alone without anything except my own thoughts... And my phone. I blare music and I text my friends. I don't have enough service to get on the Internet, Facebook, email... Sigh. All the things that have been easily distracting me from my thoughts these past weeks are out of reach. And I still have 50 minutes left. My playlist of 3 songs has already looped three times. Am I being made to think? The words "come to me I'm all you need. come to me im everything" sung by Jenn Johnson echo over and over. This is nothing less than the whole truth. No one. NO ONE can help me right now. Yes, I can be comforted, loved, supported and even distracted by friends and family , but other than doing just that- they can't make this go away. They can't heal me. And they can't go through these tests for me. It's me and God. The two of us walking hand in hand through the desert. Through the wilderness. Through the times that I can't even comprehend unless I'm given a couple days to process one result before receiving the next. I'm able to sit in a room for an hour and do nothing with an acceptable blood pressure and heart rate because he is allowing me to do that. He has taken away my anxiety. My fears. My nervousness.
I'm about to go into a donut aka a PET scan. I can't even think about elevators without sweaty hands and a spike in blood pressure. It's a small box guys and you can't get out if it doesn't let you out!! That. Is. Scary! Now in 27 minutes I'm going in and I can't think of anything other than Hillsongs lyrics "spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you will call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior." Take me Deeper - my faith will be stronger. Never would I have ever thought this- anything close to it. I would like it better if it said "keep everything perfect and ill have faith." But it doesn't. And now I'm completely dependent on Him and what he has planned for me. And ill continue to lean on Him. He is my hope. He is my peace. He is my God and He is good.
Hmmm what do I do in a room for an hour, by myself, left alone without anything except my own thoughts... And my phone. I blare music and I text my friends. I don't have enough service to get on the Internet, Facebook, email... Sigh. All the things that have been easily distracting me from my thoughts these past weeks are out of reach. And I still have 50 minutes left. My playlist of 3 songs has already looped three times. Am I being made to think? The words "come to me I'm all you need. come to me im everything" sung by Jenn Johnson echo over and over. This is nothing less than the whole truth. No one. NO ONE can help me right now. Yes, I can be comforted, loved, supported and even distracted by friends and family , but other than doing just that- they can't make this go away. They can't heal me. And they can't go through these tests for me. It's me and God. The two of us walking hand in hand through the desert. Through the wilderness. Through the times that I can't even comprehend unless I'm given a couple days to process one result before receiving the next. I'm able to sit in a room for an hour and do nothing with an acceptable blood pressure and heart rate because he is allowing me to do that. He has taken away my anxiety. My fears. My nervousness.
I'm about to go into a donut aka a PET scan. I can't even think about elevators without sweaty hands and a spike in blood pressure. It's a small box guys and you can't get out if it doesn't let you out!! That. Is. Scary! Now in 27 minutes I'm going in and I can't think of anything other than Hillsongs lyrics "spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you will call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior." Take me Deeper - my faith will be stronger. Never would I have ever thought this- anything close to it. I would like it better if it said "keep everything perfect and ill have faith." But it doesn't. And now I'm completely dependent on Him and what he has planned for me. And ill continue to lean on Him. He is my hope. He is my peace. He is my God and He is good.