Many of you know my story, but if not, I'll give the very, very condensed version. September 2013 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. At some point between my first doctor's appointment and diagnosis, I was baptized. I realized there was much more to this life than me and that my life on this earth is but a mist, a vapor. That my reason for being here isn't for bodily pleasure or all the feel good things that the world can so easily and readily provide, but to make a difference for the Kingdom. ...And also my mortality was questioned, and if I'm being very honest, kind of wanted to get things in order..ya know, just incase ;)
I heard a quote on the radio during that time and they said "In order to be ok with living life, you must be ok with dying." Now I cannot remember the context in which they were talking, but the way I took it was, I need to be ok with dying. And I did just that. As I spent time in His word, I truly grasped the literal meaning of the lyrics I sing in so many songs - like, "death, oh where is your sting?" and "the grave cannot hold you" ... Jesus literally defeated death. It didn't have a hold on me. I was no longer afraid of literal death because He had already beat the grave. What's the worst that can happen if I die... I go to heaven. I mean... not too bad!
My first baptism below...
I heard a quote on the radio during that time and they said "In order to be ok with living life, you must be ok with dying." Now I cannot remember the context in which they were talking, but the way I took it was, I need to be ok with dying. And I did just that. As I spent time in His word, I truly grasped the literal meaning of the lyrics I sing in so many songs - like, "death, oh where is your sting?" and "the grave cannot hold you" ... Jesus literally defeated death. It didn't have a hold on me. I was no longer afraid of literal death because He had already beat the grave. What's the worst that can happen if I die... I go to heaven. I mean... not too bad!
My first baptism below...
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So, that brings me to where I am today. Over the past year, I had the opportunity to participate in a curriculum our church teaches in a small group setting called, Freedom. I was practically peer pressured to go through it last fall :) I mean, I wanted to, but I had 198 excuses why I couldn't make it work. Well, what do ya know, He made a way and dotted all of the "I"s and crossed all of the "t"s.
I began to learn that not every thought that entered my head was mine. It had nothing to do with my true identity. There were lies that I believed about myself that had formed an identity that I lived with for the past 33 years. This identity I had given myself and the world had given me, was so distorted ... and I had built my life on it. My actions flowed from this false identity. Fear. It was just apart of the make up that He gave me when He created me. Anger. or as it was labeled in my life, passion. When I would have outbursts I was labeled as passionate, which I know is a nice way to not completely call me out, but the way my mind interpreted that was, its ok to act like that. So many parts of who " I was" were justified and I believed that they were acceptable and appropriate when in reality those parts of me were keeping me from really experiencing all He had for me. They had me so wrapped up in condemnation, guilt and shame that I became quiet. I was fearful of judgement. That I wouldn't say or do the "right" thing and people would not accept me. I realized that it was all a lie.
It's funny. When Brodie first learned the Bible verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I caught him pulling up the stool to the mantle and reaching up for the remote. When I asked him if he needed help he said, I can do all things, that I want." hahaha It was so funny to me, but only because I think so many of us live that way. We forget the part where it says, through Christ who strengthens me. My strength comes from Him. Once I grabbed onto this truth. I didn't have to worry about being strong enough to do everything. Or when that fear creeps in. He says, "Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid, For the Lord your God is with you wherever you will go." I'm learning to trust Him. In all situations. Not just the ones that make sense to me or that I believe will benefit me or those closest to me. It's not about that, right? Our goal is to tell everyone about Jesus. To bring as many people with us to heaven as possible. So when He nudges me to do something, I no longer have to run it through my mind a billion times to see if someone will think its awkward that I do it or say it, it's His plan, I don't have to know why He's working through me to do it. I can just do it with full confidence that it's a part of His plan.
This is where my second baptism comes in. Like I mentioned, I did the Freedom curriculum two times in the past year. The first one was almost like He was introducing me to everything that's been hidden from me. And the second time was ... well, He just ripped back the whole veil. I had learned His voice. Spending time with Him and in His word, there was clarity and purpose. But I wasn't always obedient. He's given me examples and mentors that have comes alongside of me and shown me what that looks like and the morning of April 24th before church, He put on my heart, that He wants all of me. To be truly obedient, no more testing the water to see if it's something I want or if I can handle or not. To trust His Spirit.
So I did. I got baptized...again. But this time, it wasn't with the meaning of not being afraid of literal death. It was that I would no longer live in spiritual death. I didn't have to just coast through this life in order to die a death I was no longer afraid of and get to heaven. The world will no longer place labels on me. I will no longer second guess my identity or my actions, simply because my identity is who He says I am and my actions are driven by Him. No longer stiff arming the Spirit, but being obedient. It was as if my eyes were opened to what it looks like to be spiritually alive. And I can promise you, that with everything I have in me, I will choose to live this way the rest of my life.
I am confident.
I am Bold.
I was created with a plan and purpose.
I am loved.
I am accepted.
I am a new creation (praise the Lord!)
I am known (like fully... allllllll the bad and all the good)
I began to learn that not every thought that entered my head was mine. It had nothing to do with my true identity. There were lies that I believed about myself that had formed an identity that I lived with for the past 33 years. This identity I had given myself and the world had given me, was so distorted ... and I had built my life on it. My actions flowed from this false identity. Fear. It was just apart of the make up that He gave me when He created me. Anger. or as it was labeled in my life, passion. When I would have outbursts I was labeled as passionate, which I know is a nice way to not completely call me out, but the way my mind interpreted that was, its ok to act like that. So many parts of who " I was" were justified and I believed that they were acceptable and appropriate when in reality those parts of me were keeping me from really experiencing all He had for me. They had me so wrapped up in condemnation, guilt and shame that I became quiet. I was fearful of judgement. That I wouldn't say or do the "right" thing and people would not accept me. I realized that it was all a lie.
It's funny. When Brodie first learned the Bible verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" I caught him pulling up the stool to the mantle and reaching up for the remote. When I asked him if he needed help he said, I can do all things, that I want." hahaha It was so funny to me, but only because I think so many of us live that way. We forget the part where it says, through Christ who strengthens me. My strength comes from Him. Once I grabbed onto this truth. I didn't have to worry about being strong enough to do everything. Or when that fear creeps in. He says, "Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid, For the Lord your God is with you wherever you will go." I'm learning to trust Him. In all situations. Not just the ones that make sense to me or that I believe will benefit me or those closest to me. It's not about that, right? Our goal is to tell everyone about Jesus. To bring as many people with us to heaven as possible. So when He nudges me to do something, I no longer have to run it through my mind a billion times to see if someone will think its awkward that I do it or say it, it's His plan, I don't have to know why He's working through me to do it. I can just do it with full confidence that it's a part of His plan.
This is where my second baptism comes in. Like I mentioned, I did the Freedom curriculum two times in the past year. The first one was almost like He was introducing me to everything that's been hidden from me. And the second time was ... well, He just ripped back the whole veil. I had learned His voice. Spending time with Him and in His word, there was clarity and purpose. But I wasn't always obedient. He's given me examples and mentors that have comes alongside of me and shown me what that looks like and the morning of April 24th before church, He put on my heart, that He wants all of me. To be truly obedient, no more testing the water to see if it's something I want or if I can handle or not. To trust His Spirit.
So I did. I got baptized...again. But this time, it wasn't with the meaning of not being afraid of literal death. It was that I would no longer live in spiritual death. I didn't have to just coast through this life in order to die a death I was no longer afraid of and get to heaven. The world will no longer place labels on me. I will no longer second guess my identity or my actions, simply because my identity is who He says I am and my actions are driven by Him. No longer stiff arming the Spirit, but being obedient. It was as if my eyes were opened to what it looks like to be spiritually alive. And I can promise you, that with everything I have in me, I will choose to live this way the rest of my life.
I am confident.
I am Bold.
I was created with a plan and purpose.
I am loved.
I am accepted.
I am a new creation (praise the Lord!)
I am known (like fully... allllllll the bad and all the good)