Two weeks. 2 weeks. One. Two weeks to the day. This is the projected day when my hair will start falling out. Deep breath. I got frustrated when I realized I had more anxiety going into the hair salon to make an appointment to cut my hair last week when I realized I was spending so much time and energy focussed on the fact that I'm going to be bald (I know. I know. It's a stupid thing to think about when there are much deeper valleys). But I am. The past week was filled was thoughts of "am I going to cry when I cut my hair?" "Is it going to be more emotional than it should be?" "Am I going to make a fool out of myself and break down as they cut it?" " Will I let them cut half and then freak out clenching on to what long strands are left as I run out of the salon, slamming the door and never looking back?" Seriously - not one thought of chemo. Not of sickness that will follow. Not of risk of severe infection to to a low immune system. Hair was on my mind. After getting frustrated for spending so much time on it - my frustration turned to thanks. Thank you God for allowing me to worry about a silly thing like hair, which in the long run, really doesn't matter at all. I once died my hair dark auburn and was immediately upset (and so was my mom because I got the silent treatment for 4 days afterwards) and a friend, Ray Sinibaldi said, "Amber, it's just hair." Oh how I love these words, right now. It. is. just. hair. Yes, yes indeed it is. But, back to my point, I asked God back on July 4th at about 10:30 pm after watching fireworks with the family and finding "infamous lump" on my neck, to take it from me. I laid there for 45 minutes stressing about how I might die in the next year and it hit me like a ton of bricks "It's not for you to stress about. You cannot fix it! Give it to me." So I did. That is the reason I'm not worried about it. I have given it to him, time and time again. Last night was the first night in a very long time that I didn't sleep well and every time I woke up all I could do was pray. Pray for strength. Pray for healing. Pray for peace. and pray for him to continue working in and through me.
Other than being bald, another adjustment that is being made in the Walker household (really in my mind) is a huge disruption in "my life's plan". I've waited a long time to be 26. This was the age Garrett gave me the go ahead (well actually 27, but I did the math and he would be 27 ;) )
I called my sister 2 months ago with a stupid smile on my face, giggling as I asked her if it would be ok if I was pregnant in her wedding in March. Three weeks ago, I asked her if it was ok if I was bald. Humor is how I get through things. But this is tough. I have knots in my stomach when I see pregnant women, babies clinging onto their healthy mommies and sweet pictures posted on my newsfeed. The more I see the more I adjust. Post more - it makes me happy. Maybe the more the better, all at once, like ripping off a band-aid from the sensitive spot on your lower back. But there's a ball forming in my stomach and slowing moving it's way up, which makes is hard to stand up right when I see these things. Something I have wanted for so long and here I thought by Garrett and I deciding together that this November would be one for the books that it was clear God gave me permission to do so. Garrett said ok - and if you know Garrett, you know about his 10 year plan to pay the house off and pay cash for new cars before the thought of kids could even come up. After months and years of praying, God answered my prayers and changed his heart - said yes!
I sat in a cold room and had the talk the ripped my heart out of my chest like a horror movie, it was still beating in the doctor's hand as she held it. If we beat this thing during the next 6 months with chemotherapy, the most likely chance of relapse is within the next 5 years. Therefore, I will be having regular PET scans every few months to make sure it is not coming back. Which is great, but also means no. No starting a family at this point in time. Not until year 3 when I get them once a year and maybe, just maybe if we plan it just right before the next scan we can try and squeeze one in there. Deep Breath. Tears streaming. Stomach quivering.
As I swallow this fact every morning, noon and night, I remember - "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4 I have had the awesome opportunity to be a family helper for an incredible family for the past 4 years. A family that quickly allowed me to join their family as if I was an immediate family member. I took care of their son who has autism, severe cerebral palsy, wheelchair bound and non-verbal and his younger sister, as well as helped out with everyday tasks. After 4 years I never heard the story the mom shared with me last week. She shared a story with me and it was so, so clear why it took 4 years and why it was shared at that exact moment. She shared with me that she became ill during her first pregnancy and was told she was unable to bear another child. She research surrogacy and as she was told no one would consider that other than California, she put her research binder on the shelf and didn't look back. Until they got a call while living in Florida that her husband was taking a job in California. Long story short, they found a surrogate and had a lovely little girl, perfectly made and knitted together. She followed this story by saying, "Amber, you will be a mom. There are so many ways to be a mom. Hundreds of ways. I have learned all about the hundreds of way when I was going through my trials."
As tears rolled down my face, once again I was held by Him. I was reassured that I am where He wants me to be. It continued the next morning as I read Deuteronomy .. gosh it just kept coming! 7:13 "He will give you many children." 7:14 "None of your men or women will be childless" 7:9 " Understand therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for thousands of generations and constantly loves those who love Him and obey His commands." Wow. I am where I am, because He put me here. It is not my life it's his. It's a matter of surrendering to Him, time and time again. He has made amazing promises to us - if we follow Him and follow His commands we will be blessed beyond measure.
All this to say, I'm not super human. I'm hurting. I'm making adjustments. But He is holding me through all of this. He continues to assure me I'm in the right place, doing the right thing every day. Over and over again!
Other than being bald, another adjustment that is being made in the Walker household (really in my mind) is a huge disruption in "my life's plan". I've waited a long time to be 26. This was the age Garrett gave me the go ahead (well actually 27, but I did the math and he would be 27 ;) )
I called my sister 2 months ago with a stupid smile on my face, giggling as I asked her if it would be ok if I was pregnant in her wedding in March. Three weeks ago, I asked her if it was ok if I was bald. Humor is how I get through things. But this is tough. I have knots in my stomach when I see pregnant women, babies clinging onto their healthy mommies and sweet pictures posted on my newsfeed. The more I see the more I adjust. Post more - it makes me happy. Maybe the more the better, all at once, like ripping off a band-aid from the sensitive spot on your lower back. But there's a ball forming in my stomach and slowing moving it's way up, which makes is hard to stand up right when I see these things. Something I have wanted for so long and here I thought by Garrett and I deciding together that this November would be one for the books that it was clear God gave me permission to do so. Garrett said ok - and if you know Garrett, you know about his 10 year plan to pay the house off and pay cash for new cars before the thought of kids could even come up. After months and years of praying, God answered my prayers and changed his heart - said yes!
I sat in a cold room and had the talk the ripped my heart out of my chest like a horror movie, it was still beating in the doctor's hand as she held it. If we beat this thing during the next 6 months with chemotherapy, the most likely chance of relapse is within the next 5 years. Therefore, I will be having regular PET scans every few months to make sure it is not coming back. Which is great, but also means no. No starting a family at this point in time. Not until year 3 when I get them once a year and maybe, just maybe if we plan it just right before the next scan we can try and squeeze one in there. Deep Breath. Tears streaming. Stomach quivering.
As I swallow this fact every morning, noon and night, I remember - "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4 I have had the awesome opportunity to be a family helper for an incredible family for the past 4 years. A family that quickly allowed me to join their family as if I was an immediate family member. I took care of their son who has autism, severe cerebral palsy, wheelchair bound and non-verbal and his younger sister, as well as helped out with everyday tasks. After 4 years I never heard the story the mom shared with me last week. She shared a story with me and it was so, so clear why it took 4 years and why it was shared at that exact moment. She shared with me that she became ill during her first pregnancy and was told she was unable to bear another child. She research surrogacy and as she was told no one would consider that other than California, she put her research binder on the shelf and didn't look back. Until they got a call while living in Florida that her husband was taking a job in California. Long story short, they found a surrogate and had a lovely little girl, perfectly made and knitted together. She followed this story by saying, "Amber, you will be a mom. There are so many ways to be a mom. Hundreds of ways. I have learned all about the hundreds of way when I was going through my trials."
As tears rolled down my face, once again I was held by Him. I was reassured that I am where He wants me to be. It continued the next morning as I read Deuteronomy .. gosh it just kept coming! 7:13 "He will give you many children." 7:14 "None of your men or women will be childless" 7:9 " Understand therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for thousands of generations and constantly loves those who love Him and obey His commands." Wow. I am where I am, because He put me here. It is not my life it's his. It's a matter of surrendering to Him, time and time again. He has made amazing promises to us - if we follow Him and follow His commands we will be blessed beyond measure.
All this to say, I'm not super human. I'm hurting. I'm making adjustments. But He is holding me through all of this. He continues to assure me I'm in the right place, doing the right thing every day. Over and over again!